How to Hold People Accountable Without Seeming Judgy

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Holding someone accountable can feel daunting. On the one hand, you want to make sure they are not taking advantage of your leniency and that a task gets completed, but on the other hand, you don’t want them to feel like they are being criticized or disrespected. Because of this, you’re left in a dilemma where you either have to suck it up and deal with whatever they are or aren’t doing, or tackle getting into a potential conflict. This blog post is meant to teach you how to do the latter without appearing judgy or pushy. It’s an art, and you’re about to learn how to master it!

Example Scenario: Let’s imagine you have a close friend who you not only spend time with regularly but also depend on to babysit your child on Thursday nights when you have to work late. Your friend used to always show up to your get-togethers and for babysitting on time, but for the past month or so, she’s been regularly late. This bothers you and burdens you with babysitting while working, but you haven’t said anything to your friend for fear that she will be offended and think of you as judgy or demanding. 

What can you do about this situation (or any situation where you want to hold someone accountable without offending them)? Here are some ideas…

• Focus on the behavior, not the person. Just because someone made a mistake doesn’t mean they are a bad person. And, just because someone is your good friend or family member doesn’t mean they can’t make poor decisions. Instead of focusing on what these actions mean about the person, or what the person means to you, focus on the actions alone. 

• • In this situation, no matter who the person is, it’s obvious that being inconsiderate of someone’s time and responsibilities is not a good action. It doesn’t matter if they are your friend or a stranger—being consistently late is not respectful. Rather than automatically thinking this is a character flaw or intentional, though, see the action just for what it is. This can also help you from bringing their other traits, or past mistakes, into the mix when tackling this specific issue.

• Ask questions and don’t jump to conclusions. Asking questions invites open dialogue and makes it less likely for the person to assume you are being judgemental. Instead of making assumptions as to why the mistake was made, simply ask the person what happened. You may be surprised by their reason, and how valid it may be. 

• • Ask your friend, “I noticed you’ve been late for babysitting for the past few Thursdays. Is there something going on?” Give them a chance to respond and hear them out for their reasons. You never know what could be going on in someone’s life. 

• Use “I” statements. This type of statement, instead of “you” statements, centers the conversation around your perspective and reduces the risk of sounding accusatory. This creates room for a respectful back-and-forth and reduces the risk of an argument. 

• • Instead of telling your friend, “You’re always so inconsiderate with my time,” say, “I feel hurt and concerned that you’ve been late for babysitting. How can we work through this?”

• Offer solutions to problems. When you offer some solutions to the problem at hand, the person starts to view you as their partner instead of their opponent. This could make the dilemma feel more like a collaboration session rather than an interrogation. It’s all about being productive and respectful!

• • “How about if I text you 30 minutes before the babysitting time on Thursdays to remind you? Would that help?”

• Keep the discussion private. It may feel tempting to air out your annoyance with other friends, but it’s best to keep these conflicts private. Calling someone out publically or to others can embarrass them and make them feel defensive. Instead, address the issue one-on-one in a comfortable setting. 

• • After the next babysitting session, ask your friend if they have a few minutes before they leave to chat about something important. If they say yes, proceed with a level-headed conversation about the issue.

• Practice forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. Instead of dwelling on them, shift the focus to what can be done to prevent this in the future. Frame your conversation around forgiveness and growth. As hard as it may feel, try your best to not hold resentment or grudges. Give this person a chance to prove that they hear your feelings and want to make a change. 

• • If your friend discloses that they’ve been having trouble budgeting their time due to their own personal stressors, or that they simply overlooked this as a priority and apologize, forgive them and give them a chance to make it up to you. Actions speak louder than words—-if they continue to make the same mistake, it may be time for another serious conversation or even an evaluation of your relationship. But, many times, after this first conversation, people do make an effort to change. 

These steps may feel scary at first, especially if you are a people-pleaser or a conflict-avoider. However, with practice, anyone can master the art of assertiveness. In the end, the best of friends, family members, coworkers, and partners hold each other accountable for their actions and work toward being the best versions of themselves.

To discuss how therapy could help you during this season of your life, please contact me or schedule your free 15 minute consultation.

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