Passive Aggression Isn’t a Communication Style + How to Improve

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Imagine you and your partner have been talking about planning a date night for a while now. You have been looking forward to this occasion because you feel he has been too busy with work to prioritize your relationship. However, he comes home late that night, completely forgetting about the date. Feeling hurt, angry, and dismissed, you say, “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” The next week or so, your partner notices your cold, distant behavior and detaches himself, as well. This is a clear example of why passive aggression isn’t a communication style.

Passive aggression refers to expressing emotions indirectly rather than directly, according to Psychology Today (2025). Instead of showing anger through communication, the aggressor will confuse and hurt the recipient as a way of expressing their emotions. In the example above, one partner is being passive-aggressive by saying they’re “fine,” but acting cold regardless. Some other common examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:

• Avoiding responsibility for one’s actions
• Procrastinating
• Withholding important information
• Underachieving on purpose
• Being unwilling to discuss feelings

Passive aggression often stems from unresolved anger or frustration about a person or situation that one doesn’t feel comfortable directly expressing. They may even feel there is no other way to show their feelings and hope that their partner will understand. However, deeper problems are typically behind passive aggression, including:

• Insecurity
• Fear of losing control
• Lack of self-esteem
• Maladaptive coping mechanisms
• Unresolved trauma
• Avoidance of confrontation

This type of behavior can be damaging in relationships of any kind. Passive aggression can lead to: 

• Increased conflict: By avoiding confrontation, there is a higher likelihood that one’s partner will misread the indirect message. This leads to more miscommunication, therefore increasing conflict.
• Feelings of loneliness: Healthy communication allows couples to interact with each other and get on the same page. However, a lack of communication and passive aggression may build resentment and lead to isolation.
• Poor mental health: Both parties may suffer from negative mental health due to passive aggression. The passive aggressor may continue to internalize their anger and frustration, leading to emotional distress and feelings of depression. The recipient may experience self-doubt and stress as they try to figure out the situation.
• Loss of trust: The recipient of this behavior may start to feel deceived and fooled. This can lead to a lack of trust over time. 

If you feel you are being passive-aggressive to others, you might need to ask yourself these questions: 

• Do you avoid people who upset you?
• Do you avoid communicating with people when you feel angry with them?
• Do you use sarcasm instead of having important conversations?
• Do you delay doing things to “punish” others? 

If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” that is a great first step in resolving this behavior. Instead of further damaging yourself as well as your relationships, it is important to take steps to change these habits. Here are some tips:

1. Build awareness of your anger:

Passive-aggressive people often hide their anger through their passive-aggressive actions. By identifying what makes you angry and when, you are bringing that anger to the surface and being more aware of it. The anger you feel is your body’s way of telling you that something isn’t right. Maybe your needs aren’t being met, or someone treated you poorly. Either way, pushing it down beneath the surface won’t do you any good. Rather, consider how your anger manifests in the way you think. Recognizing these signs can help you avoid passive aggression.

2. Connect your triggers and actions:

Passive aggressors often aren’t even aware of their behavior. Connecting your triggers and actions is a great step towards awareness. Think of times when you were angry. Ask yourself: 

• What thoughts went through my head? 
• How did I react? What were the outcomes? 
• Was I passive-aggressive? How did the passive-aggressive outcomes feel? 
• Would things have been different if I communicated differently?

3. Reframe your views of anger and conflict:

Addressing the deeper root of your anger is an important step in reframing it. How was anger dealt with when you were growing up? Has it always been viewed as a negative emotion? Instead of sticking with what you know, consider that anger can be expressed in many different, healthier ways. Instead of jumping to pull the trigger, find ways to cool down so your anger doesn’t control your actions (breathing techniques, music, movement, etc). Developing conflict resolution skills can resolve issues without anger playing a role. Everyone thinks differently, so conflicts are bound to arise. Conflict is not a bad thing and doesn’t require anger. 

4. Practice being assertive:

Assertiveness is much healthier than passive aggression. By voicing your needs and protecting your boundaries, you are taking care of yourself in a respectful manner. Take your time, be specific, and avoid aggressive language. Don’t look to put the blame on others. Rather, focus on communicating how you feel and how you wish for that to change.

5. Accept responsibility:

Habits are hard to change overnight, including this one. Focus on changing the little things. Do things that will improve your self-esteem. Strengthen your current relationships. Do things that you enjoy, but also challenge yourself. Give yourself a self-care night. By taking care of yourself, you are more easily able to counter the negative thoughts in your head. 

We’ve all been passive-aggressive before, even if we don’t realize it. Little instances happen—we’re only human! However, when it becomes a repeated habit, and you notice changes in your relationships, things need to change. Your communication will be much better if it is clear, respectful, and direct.

To discuss how therapy could help you during this season of your life, please contact me or schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

References:

ImPossible. (2023). The impact of passive-aggressive communication in relationships. ImPossible Psychological Services www.impossiblepsychservices.com.sg/our-resources/articles/2023/10/12/the-impact-of-passive-aggressive-communication-in-relationships/.  

Psychology Today. (2019). Passive-aggression. Psychology Today. www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/passive-aggression. 

Reid, S. (2026). How to stop being passive aggressive. HelpGuide.org. www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/how-to-stop-being-passive-aggressive

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