How to Bring up Sex Therapy with Your Partner

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Bringing up sex therapy with your partner can feel vulnerable and even intimidating. Intimacy touches some of the deepest parts of a relationship—connection, trust, pleasure, shame—and when things feel off, it’s easy to worry that starting the conversation will cause more tension instead of closeness. But the truth is, wanting to work on your sexual relationship doesn’t mean something is broken. It means you care.

Whether you’re feeling a little out of sync or navigating a longer-standing issue, inviting your partner to explore sex therapy can be a powerful step toward understanding and connection. 

In this blog post, we’ll share thoughtful, non-blaming ways to approach the topic with your partner so you can talk about it with openness, compassion, and curiosity.

 1. Start with “I” Statements

When conversations about intimacy arise, it’s easy to fall into a cycle of blame, even unintentionally. That’s why starting with “I” statements is so powerful. These statements help shift the focus from what your partner might be doing wrong to how you’re feeling and what you need. This small shift can lower defensiveness and open up space for genuine connection.

Instead of saying:

• “You never initiate anymore.”
  Try:

• “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I miss feeling close to you.”

Instead of:

• “You don’t care about our sex life.”
  Try:

• “I care about our intimacy and want us to feel more connected.” Or “I notice we haven’t been as in sync when it comes to intimacy, and I miss that.” 

Using “I” statements shows vulnerability rather than criticism, which can help your partner stay open and engaged rather than shutting down. It sets the tone for collaboration, not confrontation.

 2. Frame It as a Team Effort 

Sex therapy isn’t about fixing one person—it’s about strengthening the relationship. When bringing sex therapy up, make it clear that this is something you want to explore together. You’re not pointing fingers; you’re inviting a shared effort to deepen your connection.

You might say:

• “I’m not looking for someone to tell us who’s right or wrong—I just think having a space to talk about this with a therapist could help us feel more connected.”

This type of framing reminds your partner that you’re on the same team. It’s not about one person being the “problem,” it’s about learning, growing, and healing as a couple. Even if the conversation is hard at first, reinforcing that it’s a mutual effort can reduce anxiety and increase buy-in.

3. Normalize Sex Therapy

For many people, the idea of sex therapy still feels taboo or like a “last resort.” But in reality, it’s incredibly common and incredibly helpful. Normalizing it can go a long way in reducing your partner’s fears or assumptions about what it means.

You might say:

• “We go to the doctor when something feels off in our bodies, or a mechanic when the car is acting weird—it makes sense to talk to someone when we hit a bump in our relationship.”

Sex therapy isn’t only for couples in crisis—it can be a proactive and empowering step. Whether you’re looking to rebuild intimacy or simply want to improve communication around sex, normalizing therapy helps shift the mindset from “What’s wrong with us?” to “How can we support each other better?”

If it feels right, you can include an anecdote or statistic. For example, you could talk to them about how in 48.5% of couples in counseling, at least one of the two partners identified sexual issues as a reason for going to therapy (Emond et al., 2021).

4. Tips to Help

If your partner seems unsure or overwhelmed by the idea of sex therapy, offering gentle, low-pressure options can help them warm up to the idea. Here are a few approaches that can lower the emotional barrier:

• Suggest a Consultation Call 

Ease them in by proposing something small:
“Would you be open to just one short consult to see how it feels? We don’t have to commit to anything right away.”
This shifts the ask from a big decision to a simple, exploratory step.

• Acknowledge Their Hesitation

Recognize that it might feel awkward or intimidating, because for most people, it is:
“I totally get that this might feel uncomfortable. That’s exactly why having someone guide the conversation could take the pressure off both of us.”

• Offer to Do the Research

Make the logistics easier by taking the lead:
“I can look up a few options and show you—maybe we can pick one together?”
Offering to share the mental load can show your partner that you’re invested and also respectful of their time and energy.

• Mention Timing

If life already feels chaotic, it may seem like the wrong time to add one more thing. But that could be exactly why it’s important:
“I know we’ve got a lot going on—but maybe that’s all the more reason to do this now. We deserve to feel connected, even in the middle of everything.”

5. If They’re Resistant, Explore the Why 

If your partner hesitates, gets defensive, or shuts the conversation down, try not to panic or push harder. Resistance often comes from fear—fear of being blamed, fear of not being “enough,” or even fear of what therapy might reveal.

You might ask:

“Do you feel like this means something’s wrong with us?”

“Does it feel like going to therapy means you’re going to be blamed?”

Getting curious instead of critical can open the door to understanding their fears—and validate that their reaction makes sense, even if you’re on different pages right now. Sometimes, just naming the discomfort together is enough to reduce its intensity.

The book Emotions Revealed by Paul Ekman is a great tool for this step! 

 6. What You Can Say—Scripts for Different Styles

Depending on your personality and your relationship dynamics, you may want to approach the conversation with different energy levels. Here are two example scripts you can adapt based on what feels most natural to you.

• Direct Style (firm but loving):
  “I’ve been thinking a lot about our sex life, and I feel like we’re not where we could be. I want us to feel closer and more connected, and I think working with a sex therapist could help. This isn’t about blame—it’s about investing in us.”

• Soft Style (gentle, curious):
  “Hey, I’ve been feeling like we’re a little out of sync when it comes to intimacy, and I miss feeling close to you in that way. I wonder if it might help to talk to a sex therapist together—not because something is ‘wrong,’ but because I think we both deserve to feel good and connected.”

At the heart of it, bringing up sex therapy isn’t about pointing fingers—it’s about reaching out. It’s a way of saying, “I care about us, and I want us to thrive.” You can reiterate that sex therapy doesn’t mean something is broken. Instead, it’s about learning new tools and deepening your connection with one another. While it may feel uncomfortable at first, approaching the conversation with honesty and empathy can create new space for connection and healing.

If you’re unsure where to begin, try writing down how you feel or sharing a post like this with your partner as a starting point. And remember—you don’t have to navigate this alone. A skilled therapist can help make the process feel less daunting and more like a path forward, together.

To discuss how therapy could help you during this season of your life, please contact me or schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

References: 

Emond, M., Byers, E. S., Brassard, A., Tremblay, N., & Péloquin, K. (2021). Addressing sexual issues in couples seeking relationship therapy. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 39(5), 518–531. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2021.1969546

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