How to Tell If Your Partner’s Actions and Attachment Style Are Triggering Your Relationship Anxiety

Written by Shebna N. Osanmoh, PMHNP-BC

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A partner’s behavior can significantly impact relationship anxiety, either by improving it or making it worse. Here’s how:

Negative Impact: Their Actions Increase Relationship Anxiety

• Inconsistent Communication

Example – Mark is hot and cold with his texting—some days, he is affectionate and responsive, and other days, he is distant. This can make his partner, Lisa, anxious. She starts wondering if she did something wrong or if he’s losing interest.

• Avoidance of Emotional Conversations

Example – Sarah feels insecure about her place in her boyfriend, Alex’s, life. Whenever she tries to talk about her feelings, he dismisses them with, “You’re overthinking it.” This makes Sarah feel invalidated and even more anxious.

• Lack of Reassurance or Affection

Example – Tom and Edward have been dating for a year, but Tom rarely expresses his feelings verbally. Edward, who needs verbal affirmation, starts feeling unsure about their relationship, overanalyzing small things to determine if he still loves him.

• Being Secretive or Distant

Example – Jake suddenly starts keeping his phone away when texting, and when his partner, Mia, asks who he is talking to, he just says, “No one important.” Even if Jake isn’t doing anything wrong, his secretive behavior fuels Mia’s anxiety, making her feel insecure and paranoid.

Positive Impact: Their Actions Help Reduce Relationship Anxiety

Consistent and Open Communication

Example – Samantha knows her girlfriend, Rachel, sometimes worries when she’s busy at work. Instead of disappearing for hours, she sends a quick text saying, “Hey love, swamped with work, but I’ll call you later!” This small act reassures Rachel and prevents her from overthinking.

• Emotional Validation and Understanding

Example – When Emily tells Tom she sometimes worries about the future of their relationship, instead of dismissing her, he says, “I understand why you feel that way. I want you to know I’m committed to us.” This makes Emily feel heard and safe.

• Reassurance Through Words and Actions

Example – Even though Alex isn’t very expressive with words, he makes an effort to remind Sarah that he cares by leaving little notes, giving warm hugs, and saying, “I love you” regularly. This consistency helps Sarah feel secure in their relationship.

• Encouraging Healthy Independence

Example – Mia has some anxious tendencies, but Jake helps her by reassuring her of his feelings while also encouraging her to engage in her own hobbies and friendships. Instead of Mia feeling like she has to cling to Jake for security, she learns to feel more confident in herself.

(**Disclaimer: These examples are fabricated for educational purposes, and bear no resemblance to any living person, knowingly or unknowingly!)

The effects that attachment styles have on relationship anxiety 

Attachment styles can also have a serious impact on relationship anxiety. Here’s how different attachment styles affect relationship anxiety:

1. Anxious Attachment (High Relationship Anxiety)

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might face fear of abandonment, overanalyze your partner’s actions, and ask for constant reassurance from your partner.

Example:
Emma, who has an anxious attachment style, constantly worries that her boyfriend, Ryan, will lose interest. When he takes longer than usual to respond to her texts, she panics and assumes the worst: “He must be mad at me. Maybe he’s thinking of breaking up.” Instead of waiting for him to reply, she sends multiple messages, needing reassurance that everything is okay.

How It Affects Relationship Anxiety

• You are overanalyzing small minor things such as delays in text messages.
• You might feel unworthy of receiving love from any person, especially from your partner.
• You might constantly ask for assurance from your partner that they still love you like before.

2. Avoidant Attachment (Suppressing Relationship Anxiety)

If you follow an avoidant attachment style, you might experience relationship anxiety differently. You might suppress your emotions, accept loneliness, avoid deep connections, and create distance from your partner emotionally and physically.

Example:
Jake enjoys being with his girlfriend, Olivia, but when she starts talking about deeper emotional topics, like marriage or future plans, he feels suffocated. Instead of reassuring her, he becomes distant, stops responding to texts, and makes excuses to spend time alone. Olivia, who needs emotional closeness, starts feeling anxious and insecure in the relationship.

How It Affects Relationship Anxiety

• You might avoid deep emotional conversations with your partner.
• You tend to detach yourself when your partner talks about your relationship’s future. It often sends a signal to your partner that you are rejecting them.
• You might be more interested in living independently rather than being close to your partner. It sends a negative signal to your partner that you are not interested in them like before.

3. Secure Attachment (Lower Relationship Anxiety)

If you adapt to a secure attachment style, you might experience a healthy, balanced relationship. You’ll feel comfortable with emotional closeness with your partner, you can communicate with them openly, and you seldom overreact to insignificant stressors.

Example:
Lily and Sophia have been dating for two years. When Sophia has a stressful week at work and becomes distant, Lily doesn’t immediately assume she’s upset with her. Instead of panicking, she calmly asks, “Hey, I noticed you’ve been a bit off lately. Is everything okay?” Sophia appreciates her support and reassures her that she’s just overwhelmed, helping both of them avoid unnecessary anxiety.

How It Reduces Relationship Anxiety

• You maintain an open and honest communication style with your partner.
• You have full trust in your partner and yourself, so you have no worries.
• You receive and provide assurance when needed without overthinking too much.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment (High and Unstable Anxiety)

With a fearful-avoidant attachment style (also called disorganized attachment) you might experience both intense fear of abandonment and fear of emotional closeness. You might need your partner’s presence badly, but simultaneously, you’ll push him/her away.

Example:
Chris loves his partner, Mia, but deep down, he fears being hurt. When Mia tries to get closer emotionally, he sometimes pulls away, fearing vulnerability. However, when she gives him space, he panics and feels abandoned. This back-and-forth behavior confuses Mia, making both partners anxious.

How It Fuels Relationship Anxiety

• You want emotional and physical intimacy but keep your partner away due to fear.
• You send mixed signals and confuse your partner about your relationship.
• You struggle to trust your partner, which makes your relationship unstable.

Many factors related to your partner can trigger your relationship anxiety. If your partner consistently behaves in a way that makes you anxious, insecure, and/or unhappy, it may be time for a serious conversation about boundaries, expectations, and current emotions. Remember that you are not alone in your relationship anxiety. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional for support. 

To discuss how therapy could help you during this season of your life, please contact me or schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

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Author Bio:

Shebna N. Osanmoh, PMHNP-BC, is a board-certified psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner associated with Savant Care, Los Altos, CA, mental health clinic. He has extensive experience and a Master’s from Walden University. He provides compassionate, holistic care for diverse mental health conditions.