Rewriting the Narrative: Dilators and Lubricants as Tools of Self-Compassion

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Healing isn’t just a medical process: it’s emotional, relational, and deeply personal. For many individuals, especially those navigating pelvic pain, religious trauma, or post-traumatic stress, tools like dilators and lubricants may initially feel clinical or intimidating. But what if we reframed them? What if they weren’t symbols of something “wrong” with you, but tools that support you in reconnecting with your body in a gentle, respectful way?

At our practice, we believe healing doesn’t begin with treatment, but it begins with self-compassion. This blog explores how dilators and lubricants can be transformed from clinical aids into acts of self-love, and how incorporating them into your routine can support not only physical healing but also emotional empowerment.

What Are Dilators and Lubricants—and Who Are They For?

Dilators are smooth, cylindrical tools that help gently stretch and relax the vaginal muscles. They are often recommended by therapists, pelvic floor physical therapists, and OB-GYNs for conditions like vaginismus, dyspareunia (painful intercourse), and postpartum trauma. They also support gender-affirming care and pelvic recovery after surgery.

Lubricants are often used alongside dilators (or independently) to reduce friction, increase comfort, and facilitate more enjoyable sexual or therapeutic experiences. They come in various formulas, including water-based and silicone-based options, suitable for different sensitivities and needs.

Despite their medical associations, both tools have emotional and relational significance. They offer a gentle, private way to rebuild trust with your body, especially if that trust has been compromised by trauma or long periods of disconnection.

Rewriting the Narrative: From Fixing to Reconnecting

The first time a client hears the word “dilator,” the emotional reaction is often discomfort or shame. These tools are rarely talked about outside of medical spaces, and when they are, the narrative is often focused on dysfunction. But your body is not broken. And tools like these are not punishments or last resorts, but they are invitations to reclaim comfort, intimacy, and control.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, we can shift the narrative toward:

• “What does my body need to feel safe?”
• “How can I meet myself where I am with care?”
• “What does healing look like for me?”

This kind of reframing has been supported by researchers like Dr. Lori Brotto, who integrates mindfulness into sexual health. In her book Better Sex Through Mindfulness (2018), she writes:

“A lack of sexual desire, pleasure, or comfort isn’t always about dysfunction—it’s often about disconnection. Mindfulness helps us listen to our bodies, without judgment.”

For Those Healing From Trauma: A Somatic Invitation

If you’ve experienced sexual trauma, medical trauma, or spiritual wounding, you may struggle with body awareness or avoidant behaviors. Trauma often lives in the body, which Dr. Bessel van der Kolk famously refers to in The Body Keeps the Score as “somatic memory.” Even soft touch or sexual exploration can feel unsafe.

This is where tools like dilators and lubricants become more than accessories. They become instruments of somatic healing, especially when introduced gently and paired with calming rituals.

Here are trauma-informed tips to begin:

• Create a soothing environment with grounding music, aromatherapy, and comforting lighting
• Practice yoga or breathwork before beginning to connect with the body
• Pair use with affirmations like “I choose to move slowly and with love.”
• Let go of performance; there is no goal, only presence

Integrating these tools as part of your overcoming trauma journey can create a sense of autonomy, safety, and progress, at your own pace.

A Client-Centered Practice: How These Tools Can Support Emotional Healing

While dilators and lubricants are often introduced as physical aids, they also have the potential to facilitate meaningful emotional and psychological healing, especially when used within a trauma-informed or therapist-supported framework.

For individuals navigating vaginismus, chronic pelvic pain, gender-affirming recovery, or religious shame, incorporating these tools can create space for:

Reclaiming autonomy after feeling out of control in medical or relational settings

Exploring desire and sensation without guilt or pressure

Creating rituals of safety that support both body and mind

Many trauma-informed providers, including sex therapists and pelvic floor specialists, emphasize that the use of these tools is most effective when paired with practices like grounding techniques, self-reflection through journaling, and emotional validation. In this way, dilators and lubricants move beyond their medical use and become part of a wider narrative of healing.

As Dr. Brotto emphasizes in her work, healing is not about achieving a specific result; it’s about learning to trust and respond to your body with patience, curiosity, and care.

Building Self-Compassion Through Routine

Incorporating dilators or lubricants into your self-care doesn’t have to be clinical or rigid. In fact, making them part of your adulting routine—like stretching, journaling, or skincare—can shift their emotional weight. You can approach their use in the same way you might approach:

• Drinking enough water
• Practicing gentle movement
• Establishing boundaries
• Making space for rest and pleasure

You might choose to keep your tools beside your bath salts or essential oils. You might journal after each use to track emotions and comfort levels. You might even take your time finding products that feel aligned with your values and body (here’s where summer-ready resources can help ease the stress of decision-making).

The point is: these tools don’t need to be hidden away in shame. They can live right beside the other things you do to care for yourself.

Where to Start: A Gentle, Grounded Guide

If you’re ready to explore using dilators or lubricants with compassion, here’s a gentle starting point:

• Set your environment: Soothing light, warm blankets, music, and grounding scents
• Start small: Begin with shorter sessions and smaller sizes; your body leads the way
• Use comfort-enhancing items: Breathable clothing, soft materials, and calming oils can help
• Anchor the experience: Try pairing with a yoga flow, a walk, or your favorite management ritual to transition in and out
• Celebrate progress: Every attempt, even the smallest one, is a step toward self-trust

Need support? Start with our blog on breaking down common myths about sex therapy or how to bring up sex therapy with your partner.

You Are Worthy of Comfort

Dilators and lubricants are not just about sex or function; they are about you. They are a means to reconnect with your body, process emotional pain, and cultivate pleasure on your own terms.

There is no shame in seeking ease. There is power in creating rituals that affirm your body’s worth. And there is healing in seeing these tools not as signs of failure, but as signposts toward softness.

If you’re looking for support in navigating sexual healing, pain, or trauma-related concerns, we’re here to help. You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with Rachel here.

Let this summer be your invitation to reclaim what comfort and connection feel like—for you.

To discuss how therapy could help you during this season of your life, please contact me or schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

References:

Brotto, L. (2018). Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire. Greystone Books.

Cleveland Clinic. (2025). Vaginismus: Causes, Symptoms & Treatment. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15723-vaginismus

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. (n.d.). Pain During Sex. https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/pain-during-sex

National Vulvodynia Association. (n.d.). “Vaginal Dilator Therapy.” https://www.nva.org

Mayo Clinic. (n.d.). Vaginal Dilation Therapy: Why It’s Done, What to Expect. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/vaginal-dilation/about/pac-20384949

Postpartum Support International. (n.d.). Postpartum Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  https://postpartum.net/about-psi/ 

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