How to Practice Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy in Relationships

by | Oct 23, 2023 | Counseling, Couples Counseling, Online Therapy, Premarital Counseling, Self-Esteem, Single

How to Practice Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy in Relationships

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Have you ever felt a weight of fear pressing down on you when you begin to reveal your true self to others? You may desperately want to feel comfortable being open and genuine with others but feel like something is simply blocking you from being your authentic self. What is stopping you is a fear of vulnerability and intimacy. Whether platonic or romantic, this fear is a struggle experienced by many individuals, often originating from past trauma or rejection, which leaves us hesitant to show our true selves to others. Acknowledging and confronting this fear is the first step towards experiencing real connections with others and personal growth within yourself. Vulnerability is nothing to be ashamed of! Keep reading to learn more. 

Why does this fear exist? 

To conquer and overcome our fears, we must first understand why they exist. Vulnerability can be compared to turning the knob and opening a door that reveals our deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions…and inviting someone into that room. For many, it’s terrifying—and this makes sense! When you open up and share what’s going on inside your head, you also make yourself susceptible to potential judgment, rejection, or abandonment. This fear may be worsened if you have gone through this in the past. Because of past traumas or experiences, you may have lost your sense of trust in others. 

Our childhood, societal norms, or just one traumatic event can completely change our attitudes toward vulnerability and intimacy. Unraveling these fears and working through what they originated from is an integral part of overcoming them. To do this: 

  • Recognize and Acknowledge the Fear: Admit to yourself that this fear exists. Pushing the fear aside and avoiding it will not help you overcome it—it will only prolong the issue. Once you acknowledge that you have this fear, you’ll slowly see what once seemed extremely intimidating start to lose its power. 
  • Identify the Root Cause: When speaking about trauma, instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” ask “What happened to me?” All fears originate from somewhere, and this doesn’t mean anything is “wrong” with you for reacting that way. Take a moment to reflect on your past and consider what may have contributed to your fear of intimacy. 
  • Did a partner cheat on you or lie to you? 
  • Did you experience assault, harassment, or manipulation? 
  • Did a childhood experience mold your perception of openness? 

Understanding where this fear stems from helps us contextualize it. Often, fear is a defense mechanism built in hopes of protecting yourself from experiencing hardship again. Once you understand this, you can work on breaking it down further. 

  • Work Through Your Pain Points and Eventually Choose to Let Go: Take some time to think about how your past has affected you. If it makes you feel sad, take some time to feel sad. If it makes you feel angry, spend some time feeling angry. Feel your feelings without embarrassment or shame. However, do not dwell and ruminate on these feelings for long durations of time. You can still view what happened to you as important while choosing to accept and release these feelings. Oftentimes, it’s what you need most to take care of your future. 

**If you are a trauma survivor and need immediate attention, call The National Mental Health Hotline at 866-903-3787

The Role of Sex Therapy in Overcoming Fear and Building Intimacy

Many individuals may find it simple to be vulnerable with friends and family, but very difficult to be vulnerable and/or intimate with their romantic partner(s). If you relate to this, sex therapy may be for you. Sex therapy is a specialized form of therapy that aims to address issues related to sexuality and intimacy. It provides a safe space to discuss sexual concerns, fears, and desires. The end goal is to enhance your understanding of your sexuality and improve intimacy within relationships

Sex therapy goes far beyond the physical aspects of intimacy—it delves deep into the emotional and psychological aspects. Addressing fears and anxieties you experience regarding being vulnerable and intimate, can help you develop healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections, which often transfer into physical intimacy. 

Sex therapists use a range of techniques tailored to the specific individual, or couple. For example, they may teach communication exercises, mindfulness techniques, sensate focus, or guided explorations. Each technique is designed to help you overcome fears, improve honest communication, and foster deeper connections. 

Vulnerability = Strength!

Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is a sign of strength. In our society, we often believe that seeming “tough” and emotionless means you are strong. This couldn’t be any further from the truth. Vulnerability is the foundation of authentic connections and personal growth. When we allow ourselves to feel openly and honestly, we foster empathy and understanding, making us stronger individuals.

Some more tips on practicing vulnerability include: 

  • Be self-compassionate. Start by being kind and understanding to yourself. Acknowledge that everyone has vulnerabilities and imperfections. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a dear friend. When you cultivate self-compassion, it becomes easier to extend that same grace to others and be vulnerable with them.
  • Try to be more honest with yourself and others. Make an effort to express your thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires openly and honestly. Choose the right moment and have meaningful conversations about more than surface-level topics. Share what you are feeling with those you trust. The more you do this and learn that not everyone will judge or mistreat you, the more your fear will fade. 
  • Take small steps. Becoming more vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing your deepest secrets all at once. Start with small, low-risk disclosures. Share your preferences, interests, or experiences gradually and comfortably. For example, you can open up to a coworker about your hobbies outside of work, or tell your friend about a movie that made you cry. As you see the positive responses and deeper connections that result, you’ll gain confidence to share more.
  • Practice emotional resilience. Understand that being vulnerable might lead to discomfort or even temporary emotional pain. Building emotional resilience allows you to bounce back from such experiences stronger and more willing to be vulnerable again. Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth, knowing that resilience comes from facing and overcoming fears.
  • Seek professional help. If the fear of vulnerability is significantly impacting your relationships or personal well-being, consider a therapist. They can guide you through the process of identifying and addressing your fears, providing tools and techniques to navigate vulnerability healthily. 

All in all, working on overcoming the fear of vulnerability and intimacy is a journey that leads to a more fulfilling life and deeper connections with others. By recognizing and addressing these fears with the help of professionals, you can start to slowly knock them down. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take small steps towards growth and healing. You got this!

To discuss how therapy could help you during this season of your life, please contact me or schedule your free 15 minute consultation.

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